I took a lot of notes during our dress rehearsal this week for Dr. Vern Cox’s 1/4/18 It Matters™ Webinar, “How to Make Others Feel Felt: The Ultimate Listening Skill.” As he spoke, Vern’s message resonated with me in an important and personal way because he gave me real-life tips on how to communicate more effectively.

Some of what he said was validating, countering destructive messages I’ve been given in the past that don’t resonate with my heart but continually replay in my head. Some of what he said was humbling, helping me recognize where I’ve made mistakes in communication that were hurtful to people despite my best intentions otherwise. ALL of what he said was insightful. Here are some thoughts Vern shared and questions he asked that truly spoke to my spirit:

  • If we’re communicating and I’m the speaker, I’m not responsible for your reactions or your feelings…but I AM responsible for what I give you to deal with. My job is to create an atmosphere where you feel safe.
  • We should always approach a conversation with an attitude of uncertainty. Once we think we “know,” we stop listening. Most people listen just long enough to fill their own agendas.
  • “Even if your intent is not to hurt, if the other person is still hurting, you are–to a degree–responsible.”
  • The rules of communication are not nearly as important as the attitude.
  • Emotions last for about 90 seconds, ebbing and flowing like waves. If you can ride the wave, an undesirable emotion will go away…unless you feed it.
  • “Emotions don’t need to rule. They’re just bits of information.”
  • 95% of communication is not in the words.
  • It’s not for me to tell you what you think or feel or want. I can tell you what I observe, but then I have to check it out with you. “Am I accurate in my interpretation? Is that what you’re experiencing?” “I want to be sure I understand. Is that what you meant?”
  • The most important part of communication is when the person speaking feels understood or FELT.
  • Do you want to WIN or do you want to have a relationship?

I actually filled four pages with notes as Vern spoke, and he gave me a lot of food for thought.  I think it’s important to chew on it for awhile…and digest it well before I open my mouth again.